“Manny being Manny” to cost Dodgers millions, credibility

By Jordan Guinn

To quote Nelson Muntz: “Ha Ha.”

Manny Ramirez has been suspended for using performance-enhancing drugs and will not be able to rejoin the Los Angeles Dodgers until July 3.


Even though the Dodgers have nearly a double-digit lead in the National League West, Ramirez’s sudden departure should make the division race a little closer. No. 99 will return for the Dodgers in plenty of time for them to still win the division, but I’m most excited about watching Dodger fans still salivate over and make excuses for him, and continue their avid and slobbering fellatio of Ramirez.

Ramirez said he got a prescription from a doctor for a personal matter (wanting to hit the ball further) and failed to check the substance out.

That makes sense. Ramirez doesn’t have anyone available around him to make sure he’s not ingesting something he shouldn’t. Everyone knows that Major League Baseball has such a strict drug policy that even the best doctors make mistakes on prescriptions they write.

Give me a break. According to ESPN, Ramirez’s antics will cost him almost $8 million in salary. However, the Dodgers stand to lose an incalculable amount in both money and intangibles. There is a section in Dodger Stadium called “Mannywood.” Time will tell how ticket sales of that section handle his suspension. Dodger fans – and Los Angeles fans in general – are notoriously fickle - let’s see how much Chavez Ravine fills up now. Fans would actually show up in the first inning because they didn’t want to miss his first at-bat.

There are billboards peppered throughout Los Angeles that glorify Ramirez. His jersey sells out faster than Jermaine Dupri. The young core of Dodger hitters looks up to him like a father.

As someone who was in the overwhelming minority of San Francisco Giants fans who didn’t want Ramirez to sport the orange and black, Thursday’s revelation makes me happier than a Catholic priest at an orphanage.

Yes, the man can crush the baseball and has an incredible grasp of the strike zone. However, his name and legacy is forever tarnished – and I for one couldn’t be happier. This scenario couldn’t have unfolded on a more appropriate player or franchise. These two deserve each other.

So why would someone like myself, who has gone to tremendous lengths to exonerate Barry Bonds, railroad Ramirez? Simple: He’s a Dodger.

Plus, I have never found “Manny being Manny” to be all that cute. I don’t like watching him wallow around in the outfield, lying on the ball and cutting off throws from the center fielder.

Anyone who remotely follows baseball could have seen this coming. Ramirez is clearly up to something. He's undergone quite a metamorphosis since his days with the Indians.

Now we can begin the glorious process of creating offensive nicknames for ManRam that allude to his performance-enhancing drug use. It’s been slim pickings so far, but we here at Unsportsmanlike Conduct are racking our brains in order to pump some out.

Although he didn’t test positive for Human Growth Hormone, maybe a good start is “HuManny Growth Hormone.”

I know, it’s not great, but it’s a start.