What a Lucky Bastardo

One of the members of our list.
Do you know his strange name?
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By Fernando Gallo

Tuesday night was the major league debut of Phillies pitcher Antonio Bastardo, whose last name does indeed mean bastard in Spanish. The 23-year old got the victory against San Diego after six strong innings in which he gave up only one run, a solo shot by Adrian Gonzalez. Since Gonzalez is leading the majors in home runs (what the hell!?), I’d say that’s a pretty good start for the young Bastardo. In honor of his strange last name, Unsportsmanlike Conduct presents:

The Top Ten Strangest (and Funniest) Last Names in Sports:

Honorable Mention: Ole Miss head football coach Houston Nutt – Sounds like an alias for a bad up and coming actor. Strangely enough, his brother is named Dickey Nutt. What is with these guys’ parents?

Second Honorable Mention: Ron Mexico, Michael Vick’s former (we think) alias. Okay, so it’s not a real name, but it’s still hilarious. Before he became a hated man, Vick gave us one of the weirdest stories about a pro quarterback.

10. Gaylord Perry – The Hall of Fame starting pitcher who is somewhat infamous for being one of baseball’s accepted cheaters. He used the “spitball” to help pad his numbers. Is he sorry? Hell no. He just laughs about it now. But seriously, was Gaylord just a common name at the time or what?

9. Chien-Ming Wang – The starting pitcher for the New York Yankees. If you don’t get it, just think about it for a minute. If you still don’t get it after that, I have some GM stock I want to sell you. It’s really hot right now.

8. Milton Bradley – Everyone’s favorite hot-tempered, switch-hitting outfielder, now with the Chicago Cubs. He seems destined to choke badly for the Cubs in the playoffs so that the fans can heckle him, he can go insane and then the entire city will hate him. Either his parents had never heard of the game company, or they just though it was hilarious. Battleship anyone?

7. Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala – A long-time back-up running back, he was a big, bruising rusher. His name was so long, the whole thing didn’t fit on his character in Madden.

6. Tim Belcher – Another former pitcher. If his name rings true, keep all of the soda away from this guy.

5. Coco Crisp – Outfielder for the Kansas City Royals. As a side note, how many players have gotten as raw a deal as Crisp? He was a very promising young center fielder for the Indians, and was acquired by the Red Sox to take Johnny Damon’s place when he defected to the Yankees. The baseball-mad fans in Boston set ridiculous expectations for him that he wasn’t able to meet, and he was benched halfway through the 2007 ALCS for the remainder of the Red Sox’s championship run. Now he’s in baseball purgatory, also known as Kansas City.

4. Wonderful Terrific Monds III – A former baseball player whose career ended at 26, was the III really necessary? Your dad and grandpa were the only two other guys with that name... in the world!

3. Dick Pole –Juvenile? Maybe a little. Hilarious? I think so. Pole is a retired major league pitcher, now a coach with the Reds.

2. Ron Tugnutt – A former goaltender in the NHL. You know, in the past people would change their names to make them more anglicized, which was unfortunate. Changing your last name to avoid ridicule, however, seems logical. Are you listening Ron?

1. “Ugly” Johnny Dickshot – Former outfielder. As if it wasn’t bad enough being named Dickshot, he was then given the nickname Ugly? Some people just get screwed in life.