The Roundup: Marshall on the move? Kobe gets his and the boy wonder skips the prom

Press coverage? No problem.
But watch out for that Big
Mac box! Photo by user
JeffreyBeall on Flickr

I’m Lovin’ it

Brandon Marshall is a dope, plain and simple. He’s also immature, as evidenced by his inability to take the hit for previous injuries he inflicted on himself by supposedly slipping on a McDonald’s wrapper. As a man who’s enjoyed his share of McChickens in his day, I can tell you that I’ve never been close to slipping on a wrapper. I guess making a tip-toe catch in the back of the endzone is easier than avoiding a piece of paper from Mickey D’s.

But now Marshall has decided he’s done with the Denver Broncos, and everyone has a different opinion about what happens next. Should the Broncos trade him? No. As much of a child as Marshall is, he is still very talented and the Broncos need all the talent they can get right now. But then again, they shouldn’t have traded Jay Cutler, and we all know how that worked out. Josh McDaniels can’t afford to have disgruntled players in his first year as head coach, so Denver is likely to move Marshall if they get a decent offer. The Jets, Bears and Raiders are all teams that would get immediate upgrades from a guy like Marshall, provided he doesn’t fall over a Chicken McNuggets box at some point in 2009.

300 is the Loneliest Number

Is Randy Johnson the last 300-game winner?
Photo taken from Flickr. Photo can be found
here. Licensing info here.

By Jordan Guinn

Randy Johnson punched his ticket to Cooperstown with win number 300 in our nation’s capitol on Thursday. Amid all the controversy with Johnson’s personality and former teammates voicing their displeasure with him and his aloof nature, no one can debate that the Big Unit is the best pitcher of his generation, and possibly all-time.

He may not be personable, approachable or even much to look at, but he is steroid-free and fundamental. He has provided baseball fans with timeless clips of making hitters across several decades look foolish or downright petrified. Him buzzing John Kruk is one of my favorite All-Star game memories. Kruk was bailing out of every swing after Johnson sent a 100-mph fastball sailing over his head; it was like someone had a rope tied around his front ankle and tugged on it as every pitch came in.

What a Lucky Bastardo

One of the members of our list.
Do you know his strange name?
This photo was taken from a Flickr
account which can be found here.
Licensing info here.

By Fernando Gallo

Tuesday night was the major league debut of Phillies pitcher Antonio Bastardo, whose last name does indeed mean bastard in Spanish. The 23-year old got the victory against San Diego after six strong innings in which he gave up only one run, a solo shot by Adrian Gonzalez. Since Gonzalez is leading the majors in home runs (what the hell!?), I’d say that’s a pretty good start for the young Bastardo. In honor of his strange last name, Unsportsmanlike Conduct presents:

The Top Ten Strangest (and Funniest) Last Names in Sports:

Leave LeBron Alone

LeBron James photo from Flickr. For
licensing info, click here.

By Fernando Gallo

Lebron James is taking a lot of flack right now, with one Yahoo! Sports columnist even comparing him to an “immature, self-absorbed brat,” but ladies and gentlemen, how about a little perspective?

It wasn’t two weeks ago that the Orlando Magic was locked in a 2-2 tie with the Boston Celtics, with Paul Pierce refusing to let his team die without Kevin Garnett. After Game 5 of that series, I speculated that a stupid cheap shot by Dwight Howard might cost the Magic Game 6, and possibly the series. Imagine my surprise when Orlando finished off the Celtics, without Howard, and advanced to face Cleveland.

Of course, most believed the Magic would see its run end on the Midwestern plains of Ohio – the Cavaliers hadn’t lost a game through two rounds, and looked downright unstoppable. But then the Magic put a Howard-sized hand around Cleveland’s throat by going up 3-1, and delivered the knockout punch in Game 6.

Not a single one of Cleveland’s players looked like they could help the cause against Orlando, and the LeBron James show floundered. James may be the greatest player of his generation, but Jordan won nothing without Pippen, Magic always had Kareem to pass to, and Shaq, regardless of all his boasting, has never even made it to the NBA Finals without a reliable guard. James can't do it all by himself.

So forgive him if he was a little pissed off as the confetti rained down on him in Orlando. What more can the guy do? He’s a freakish talent to be sure – it’s almost as if someone took the starting five of another team and crammed them into his 6-foot, 8-inch frame. His playoff numbers were downright stupid - the guy nearly averaged a triple-double, for crying out loud. Clearly he also wants to win badly, and damned if he cares what anyone else thinks as evidenced by his willingness to wear a Yankee hat to an Indians home playoff game.

The problem is, no one on the Cavs seems to care half as much as he does. Mo Williams left his shooting touch in the second round, Ben Wallace and Wally Szczerbiak looked like over-the-hill has-beens (which is what they probably are), and Daniel “Boobie” Gibson was relegated to the bench for reasons I still don’t understand.

Is walking off the court without so much as a nod towards the victorious Magic a little rude? Sure. Is it completely classless? I wouldn’t go that far. After all, what is the biggest complaint from many fans about today’s athletes: That they don’t care enough about winning and it’s all about them first. I find it refreshing that LeBron was furious and didn’t care about sportsmanship at that moment (and apparently still doesn’t, since he hasn’t apologized). I don't want my teams to feel fine after a loss - I want the players to be as angry and frustrated in the arena as I am on my couch.

And that Yahoo! columnist who took so many shots at LeBron? Give me a break. In his column, which I would call haughty and self-riotous, he also blasted some of LeBron's worshippers - but I wonder if he includes himself in that group, since he wrote three columns over four days last month that glorified LeBron. How quickly they have turned on you, King James.

Yesterday’s athletes didn’t have multi-million dollar contracts and endorsement deals; they played simply for the love of the game. Hall-of-Famer Rollie Fingers appeared on the Oakland A’s local TV broadcast Sunday and said the day after the A’s had their championship parade in 1972, he had started his offseason job of stocking shelves at Sears. Those are the types of players I want on my team, and LeBron is a lot closer to them than he is to real ingrates like Latrell Sprewell or Terrell Owens.

I’m sure LeBron won’t be cancelling any future puppet commercials or giving Nike back any of its money, but at least he still values winning above anything else. With that in mind, it would behoove Danny Ferry to get LeBron some help ASAP, because he won’t be any happier about losing next season, when he’s in the final year of his contract with Cleveland.

There's No Going Back Now

This photo was taken from Flickr,
from user Kimberly*
It can be found here

by Fernando Gallo

After years of waiting and wishing that third baseman Eric Chavez would return, it appears that we’ve come to the end of the road. The San Francisco Chronicle has reported that Chavez is down to his last chance – literally. His back has become such a profound mess that if it goes out one more time, his career is almost certainly over. The linked story mentions a spinal fusion as the surgery Chavez would likely have to endure, but that was later corrected. It is actually a microdiscectomy. From the Chronicle's A's blog:

A microdiscectomy would still leave his spine too unstable to play baseball (he had the same procedure done on an adjacent hernited disk), so he would have to stop playing at that point... he plans to rehab and do therapy to strengthen his back with the aim of playing as long as he can, but the doctors told him the herniation can go at any time.

So there you have it. Chavez’ back has been so fragile that lately it seemed like the slightest movement would put him back on the disabled list: that has now become a reality. Chavez plans to come back as a third baseman, and his back will be a ticking time bomb. If it goes, there will be no more surgeries and no more rehab; just a spinal fusion and one very promising career left unfulfilled.

For baseball fans, this won’t register as much more than a small bleep on the radar. But for A’s fans (like me) this is a very sad day, although I can’t say it’s a major surprise. There was talk last year that Chavez might have to switch to first base to prolong his career, and we’ve come to expect that No. 3 wouldn’t be in the lineup – he’s been on the DL six times in the last three years. But Chavvy was supposed to be the player that was different than all the rest. Not only was he off to a stellar start as a young player, but he also was the one guy the A’s got to keep.

Not so long ago, the A’s were simply the farm team for larger-market clubs. They let Johnny Damon go, got outbid on Jason Giambi, and didn’t even make Miguel Tejada an offer. But when it came time for Chavvy to become a free agent, the A’s finally kept a budding superstar. He got the biggest deal in franchise history at $66 million for 6 years, and a cornerstone of the franchise had been established. In the famed book Moneyball, General Manager Billy Beane compared Chavez’ early numbers to those of more established stars, and proclaimed that he was on pace to be better than them all.

But since 2004, Chavez has spent more time on the bench than on the field. He’s averaged only 107 games a year since signing that big contract, and hasn’t hit 30+ home runs since 2002. The man who was supposed to be the face of the franchise is hardly around enough for new fans to recognize him.

A’s analyst F.P. Santangelo (who isn’t exactly what I’d call a role model, or a player with a great track record) said on San Francisco sports talk station KNBR yesterday that he personally told Chavez to just call it a career. His reasoning? If one more setback is going to call for a major back procedure, it’s time to think about life after baseball. Chavez does have two young children, and, at 31, a long life ahead of him. As much as it pains me to say it, I think Santangelo might be right.

Chavvy gave us A’s fans a lot to cheer about over the last several years, including six consecutive Gold Gloves and some very funny TV commercials, and helped lead the team to its first ALCS appearance in 18 years. I’ll never forget walking into the Coliseum for Game 3 of the 2006 ALDS in the second inning, just as Chavvy belted a home run into right field to give the A’s the lead. The feeling of finally advancing to the second round after years of futility must have been just as euphoric for him as it was for all of us in the stands - but it’s probably now offset by the pain of knowing that’s the farthest he’ll ever go as a pro ballplayer.

“Manny being Manny” to cost Dodgers millions, credibility

By Jordan Guinn

To quote Nelson Muntz: “Ha Ha.”

Manny Ramirez has been suspended for using performance-enhancing drugs and will not be able to rejoin the Los Angeles Dodgers until July 3.


Even though the Dodgers have nearly a double-digit lead in the National League West, Ramirez’s sudden departure should make the division race a little closer. No. 99 will return for the Dodgers in plenty of time for them to still win the division, but I’m most excited about watching Dodger fans still salivate over and make excuses for him, and continue their avid and slobbering fellatio of Ramirez.

The Brett Favre Saga: Here we go again

Oh, old man Favre, what has become of you? Remember when you were the good ole’ boy, who would play the game for free out of pure love? Remember when John Madden would slobber all over you like a St. Bernard whenever you completed a pass to Donald Driver despite double coverage? Remember how you cried when you talked about walking away from football to ride off into the Mississippi sunset aboard your John Deere?

Well, those days seem like a lifetime ago. Because now we know that you’re contemplating your third team in as many years, John Madden has retired and I’m sick and tired of seeing you blubber like a baby on national television. No, old man Favre, now we know that you are a vindictive, egomaniacal athlete just like everybody else. You used to be on the opposite end of the spectrum from guys like Terrell Owens and Alex Rodriguez. And now? T.O. should be offering you PR tips.